So I found out the other day that a former friend of mine basically lied to me, more so than I had understood. If you look back at my previous journal entries, there are several about a specific guy that I was interested in. I had an idea that they were interested in each other, but part of me was in denial. Our friendship basically fell apart, not because of us fighting over the guy, but because she was never honest with me about how close they were. After finding out more information about it, I came to a realization...

I've always been second best when it comes to males and relationships and such. My first real relationship in high school... he liked my best friend at the time first. Only when she rejected him did he have any sort of interest in me. Don't get me wrong, we ended up having a fairly lengthy relationship, but he didn't want me until his original choice fell through. Then this whole thing. Now, even the latest guy I was into (I'm slowly moving on), he seems more interested in a few of my friends. Is there a reason that I seem to not even place and not attract anyone's attention? I dunno.

I haven't posted in awhile and I wish I was motivated to write more, but obviously I'm not. So, until next time (in like a year).

WARNING! WARNING! This message will probably be depressing. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything of the sort, I just feel like writing my thoughts out. WARNING! WARNING!

I feel kinda lost right now. And numb, perhaps? I dunno. I miss my old life. It's not a matter of immaturity, at least not in my opinion. It's just... I don't like not knowing what's gonna happen. I don't like not knowing where I'm going to be tomorrow. I mean, yeah, that's everyday, but I just don't like that I'm no longer a student. I'm technically an adult and I need to learn to take care of myself and I'm just not ready for it. Will I ever be? Here's to hoping.

I'm having a hard time staying connected with people, my friends at least. It's not because I don't love them. God knows I do. I just don't feel like someone they'd want to be around because I'm not advancing myself and I'm not happy with what I'm doing. I don't want to bring them or myself down. Yeah, that's sad, that's pathetic, that's immature, that's stupid, but that's life. At least mine. All I want to do is stay with my parents... scratch that, my mom... and just not have to face things. I guess this may be a new form of depression? I guess these are certain symptoms. I don't feel depressed persay. Like, I'm not crying myself to sleep, I'm not necessarily sad. I'm just stuck and don't really have the motivation to get myself out.

I wish I knew what I want. I mean, I guess I do. I want to go into radio. I want to fall in love. I want to be on my own. But I just don't have the motivation to reach for these things. ::Sigh:: I wish I could force myself to care more. When someone tries to help me care more, I just get angry. I don't know.

I guess you can just ignore this. I just figured it would help me sort my thoughts.

I dreamt last night that we were walking and bantering as we always do, but then your hand brushed mine and took hold of it. Then when you were worried of how it looked, you simply moved your arm to my shoulders and pulled me closer, all the while every other action was exactly the same. I don't know what that means, but the more I try to deny it, the more I just want you. I'm not in love with you, I can't do that, but I like you and I do have feelings for you and as time goes by, the more I think you want the same things I do. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm a wishful thinker, but I just want you and want you to admit that you want me back before it's too late and nothing can happen between us or someone else beats you to it. "I know what's best for me, but I want you instead." I know what if given a choice you should never be it, but you would be. I don't know when it happened, but it did.

I'm sitting at work, loading cd's and listening to my iPod until I have to go Board Op the Orioles-Yankees game at 6:30 and that's giving me plenty of time to think. I'm stuck. I'm not at all where I thought I would be at this point in my life. It's different from my senior year of high school. I didn't know where I was going exactly, but I knew what I expected. Now, here I am, 4 years later, and I don't really have any of it. I figured at 22 years old I would be about to get my degree, have a steady relationship to a man that I would become engaged to by 24, a job set up after walking across the stage and some sort of idea who am. Instead, I'm stuck in a limbo of not even knowing if I'll finish college because I'm exhausted and tired of it all when it comes to an education. I've gone on one date throughout my college career and have next to no romantic prospects that were reciprocated. As for a job? Sike. And I realize now that I still have no idea who I am. If I did I wouldn't feel this way, at least I can't imagine that I would. I haven't applied myself the way I should've, I've basically felt that I could coast. I can't do these things anymore. Why am I so terrified to grow up? Why am I not actually comfortable with being by myself? I've just closed in on myself, isolated myself overall, and then at times try to overcompensate and come up short. Am I making any sense? I don't know. I wish I knew what I wanted, but at this point... I feel like anything I want, I can't actually have. I feel the lump in my stomach and throat wanting to explode, but what do tears get me? Nothing. I feel like I'm such a waste right now. I'm trying to put on a happy face and force myself to move forward, but I feel like I have nothing to move towards and what makes it worse is that it's my own fault and my own doing.

Senioritis is a bitch. I don't wanna do anything. I'm sick of paying for what's going to "further" my life. I don't know... I feel like college just makes you more miserable. I mean, yeah, you're getting an education or whatever, but why do you have to PAY to be educated? I think it's ridiculous. I don't know.

I really don't know the reason I decided to post. I'm starting to fall into a small panic. I have a little more than a month until I graduate and while I'm ready to simply graduate, I'm not ready for what comes next. I don't wanna grow up. I'm not ready. I'm not ready at all.

I'm tired of being alone. I hate it. I know I have friends and people that love me, but I don't have that one person that I can call just to vent to and listen to them vent and have them say I love you. Or they can hold me or whatever. It's just hard to be alone. I know I don't need a man to be happy, but I just wouldn't mind one. I don't know.

I'm also so terribly confused. There's this guy here... I don't know how to explain it. Our relationship is completely different from anything I'm used to or anything I've experienced. I mean, I don't even know if I can even call it a relationship. I call it an acquaintance-ship with the possibility of a mutual or one-sided crush. I'm talking in circles I think... I guess I'll start at the beginning.

About a year ago, this guy started working here. We'll call him... Mason. Why I need to give him another name, I don't know. But that's what it's gonna be. I didn't really start associating with him until this year. I mean, I talked to him occasionally, but the getting to know him and talking to him regularly, that was fairly recently. Well, all we seem to do is press each others buttons. Everyone is talking about the fact that we both like each other. I can't say for sure how I feel about him. I mean, I think I'm mostly intrigued. He's completely different from what I'm used to. His personality isn't exactly what I'm generally attracted to. He's very quiet and serious. If you know me, when I'm with my friends, I'm definitely not like that. But opposites attract? I dunno.

Well, we either get along well or just clash hardcore. He gets to me in ways that no one else can, which is crazy since in all honestly, he doesn't know me all that well. Things really went to new heights last night. It's been said by one of his coworkers in particular that Mason likes me. Now, the thing is his opinion is actually a big thing. Last night he was like being pushed at me by his coworkers and things were being said. It just fueled the fire and is really making me think that, yeah, he does like me. And then I talked to his dad. And his dad just told me all this stuff about him like he was attempting to sell him. I feel like I'm being really vague and that's not my intention. I'm just trying to figure it out. He's so hot and cold.

I think, bottom line, I wouldn't mind giving something a shot when the time was right if he would make up his mind. Unfortunately, now is definitely not the right time. I'm completely aware of that. Too many people have lost their jobs for possible connections and I'm not worth losing a job and risking all of that for. I'm not downing myself, it's just a fact. This isn't true love or some storybook romance. This isn't a fairy tale. Maybe eventually, we could be what each other needs, but just not right now. I can't help but wonder though if he even would give it a shot. I don't know if he's scared, doesn't care, isn't interested. I really have no clue. Maybe I'm just blind? Maybe I'm listening to everyone too much? I do want answers, but how do you get them without freaking someone out? How do you get them from someone like Mason? ::Sigh::

Well, that's it for now. Hope to talk to you all again soon.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since, well, I haven't done much else. I realized that I have all the answers I've been looking for from what was left unsaid. Why did I not think about it? Why didn't I accept it sooner? And why is it so hard to let go of something that I never had in the first place? I wasted an entire year wanting so badly to come up with what? A wasted year. A wasted year in the romantic department anyway. I just want to be able to go to sleep without the face of him filling my mind. I don't want to dream about him anymore. I don't want to wish for what I'll never have. I'm just ready to move on. ::Sigh:: I hope I do soon. This misery is getting so old.

Hello, hello. I posted a blog on myspace, but I decided it's been awhile since I posted something here. "It's summertime...and the living's easy..." Ain't that the truth? I do enjoy summer for the simple fact that there are so few worries. No real deadlines, just living the way you'd life. I'm working at the radio station for credits which is slightly stressful only because I'm not sure I'm gonna get the hours I need. Oh well, I still have plenty of time. Other than that, I talked to my old boss at the pharmacy today and we have a meeting tomorrow to discuss a possible schedule. I don't really WANT to go back, but it's so convenient and I need another job desperately. I wish money wasn't so important in this world. Blah.

Emotionally, I'm doing really well. It's unfortunate that something like that is such an "accomplishment", but alas, it is. I'm able to separate myself from the source of most of my anxiety the past year. That source being James. I finally feel comfortable saying his name in this domain. I left it out, not for fear that he might read, but for fear that the wrong person might. If you don't understand why that's a worry, ::shrug:: that's not my issue. I haven't seen him since May 19th. It's probably a good thing. It's unclear whether or not I'll see him again. Needless to say, I think, for my own sanity, it's probably better that I don't. As much as I'd like to, it just wouldn't be in my best interest and I think I can accept that. I can close that chapter in my book. Hopefully, next year, there won't be anything like that to distract me and I can just finish out my last year semi-sane (maybe not always sober though, haha).

The one thing that seems to be carrying over into the summer from the past year is my friendship with Jess. I love Jess. She is truly like my baby sister. She reminds me a lot of who I was. She's farther along than I ever was, but there's still that comfort level that I want to help her find. Unfortunately, ever since we talked towards the end of the semester, I know I've been pushing her away. I don't want to do that to her because I know it's not fair and it's not right. But I can't help it. I still carry around the hurt of the whole situation. I'm trying to fix it but I just don't know how. ::Sigh:: Hopefully it will be figured out.

I think that's enough for now. Love you all! Smooches!!!

Hello friends. It's been awhile. Not much to report. I chopped all my hair off. That's newsworthy, at least in my world. Other than that...not too much. We just finished up Easter break. Who the hell am I kidding? I'm not writing in this to babble about things that don't matter at all to me...

Officer Hoffman said something to Jess and I a couple weeks ago that's really stuck with me since. He basically discussed the fact that if you're constantly looking for the bad in life, you're going to find it. If you keep pushing for the good, however, you may slip up, but you'll still ultimately be happier. I do think he's completely right and I've been trying to do that. Don't get me wrong. I'm still terrified of the future and that I'm going to fail. But I'm trying to stay optimistic and, dare I say it? Happy. It's sort of working in my favor. For the most part, I'm staying pretty high. Some things push me down, of course, but I'm trying not to stay down as long. And I'm trying to cut off the external negative energy, or at least keep it to a minimum.

One thing that's really making these goals difficult, however, if my insane crush that is still very, very much at the forefront of my mind. I just don't know. It's just hard. I like him. I like him more than I want to. People think I'm crazy and just obsessed. I can see it in their faces. It's okay. I don't even understand it myself. It doesn't hurt as much as it did, thank God. Not that I know why it hurt my heart the way it did. I just hate seeing him day after day and knowing that I don't have a shot, if for no other reason, because well...he can't. ::Sigh:: I just think about him ALL the time. I see him and my heart leaps into my throat and I can't help but smile. He says my name and I melt inside. I'm absolutely pathetic. No one wants to read this. I just needed to get it off my chest. I'm gonna go back to my dinner of puff'n corn, cookies, and lemonade. And I wonder why I'm fat. :-p



'The power to change the world is within us all. Once imagined ANYTHING can be realized. The possibilities are endless...EMBRACE imaginary freedom!-TJH

I would've given anything for you to have come after me when I walked out the door.

All I want is to find someone that won't let me push them away because they know I really don't want them to go.

Shit, haven't written since Christmas. Well, here we are in semester number 6. Only two more left and then it's out into the big bad world. Let's not think about that though, shall we? I should really do something useful like my graphics project but I just don't care. I had a nice talk with a guy that like a semester ago I would have never expected to confide in. It made me realize that things are never as bad as they might seem and I'm going to be okay. We talked briefly about my unrequited crush and he basically told me to just stop. Not talk to him, give him the cold shoulder. While I've been thinking this for awhile it truly pushed me forward when he said it to me. I deleted my 'crush' off facebook and myspace and I'm going to force myself to move on. I won't speak unless spoken to or have an RA reason. As for my friend...I know he's gonna be alright. He just needs to get there. But I have faith he will. I have come to the conclusion once again that I just want to save people. I dunno...I would write more but I'm tired so I'm just gonna stare at the computer screen and listen to music hoping I don't fall asleep.

He stresses out my life. I mean, granted, I keep changing what I want but right when I get settled and think I know what to expect, he throws me for a loop. Yeah, it's tiny but he drives me INSANE! Can't he just ignore me? I will go away. ::Pouts:: Unless he wants to make out with me in a closet. Then we can talk. Grrr...back to my suffering in PA.

So I did what I've been avoiding all semester. I finally told him. And well...I don't know. Sometimes I feel as though it was the right thing to do. I mean, he knows, right? I can move on. Right. The moving on thing? Not working out so well for me. He doesn't want me. I know that. Maybe eventually I accept it. Well, the accepting promise won't happen til one of us is gone. My heart just keeps breaking. But then again, it's my own fault. If I didn't put myself in the situation, my heart wouldn't get hurt. I don't know. I just want to get what I want for once in my life. I don't think that's too much to ask. I'm becoming so bitter and angry and jealous of everyone that gets his smile, his laughter, his kindness, his friendliness, whatever. I never seem to. It's just so damn awkward. I hate this. I just wanna leave. I don't wanna see him anymore because I'm tired of him breaking my heart over and over again without even meaning to. I wish I could hate him...but I just...can't. I can't stop wishing that he would want me. But he doesn't. He never will. And well...it hurts. It hurts a lot.

Hey there. It's me. I should be doing my broadcast homework or hell, any sort of homework, but I just don't want to. I'm not motivated at all to do it. I'm losing interest in the whole school aspect of my life. I don't want to do this anymore. But my parents and I are shelling out a good chunk of change so I should just suck it up and deal with it. What's going on in the life of me? Not too much, I'm afraid. Same shit as usual. I curse too much. It's not very ladylike of me. I need to stop that. My infatuation with a certain person is as strong as ever. I'm not sure what it is I'm feeling. Lust? Infatuation? Attraction? Something else? Whatever it is, it's consuming me. I just think about it all the time. I want to just cut myself off, but I can't. It's like a magnetic attraction. I'm pulled towards him constantly. He's just...amazing. I don't know what would be better and hurt less...I know that nothing can happen. I've accepted that as well as I possibly can. But I don't know if it would be better for him to want it too even though we can't or if he just isn't interested in the slightest. I don't know. I can't read him anyway, so it doesn't really matter. I'm so tired of wanting what I can't possibly have. I'm just a mess and I'm beating myself up over it and it's just so stupid.

Why'd you have to be so cute? It's impossible to ignore you. Must you make me laugh so much? It's bad enough we get along so well. Say goodnight and go!

We'd be good...we'd be great together...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The end.

Way to have your breasts hanging out when you see security DeDe...smooth move.

Sadly, I can't even say it was on purpose.

So, I'm at work and I have absolutely nothing to do. That's probably a sign that I should do homework or something so I can sleep tonight, but yeah. You see how that's obviously going. I'm such an emotional wreck right now. I figured that maybe writing it all out I'll be able to see it and an answer will pop out to me. While it's personal, I'm not going to make this entry private because well, I don't care that much. I think that making an lj private is kinda stupid. If you don't want people to read it, don't put it on the net. Plus I really don't think that many people read my stuff so I don't think it will be that big of an issue. So here goes...

On the boy front...I have ridiculously intense feelings for someone that is not even a remote possibility. I know what you may be thinking. I do this ALL the time. I have a new crush almost as often as I change my underwear. Well, I'm head over heels for this guy, as much as I can be. I do actually associate with him, not so much anymore because I'm trying to cut myself off. He's just so cute and sweet and funny and from what I've observed we have a lot in common. But there's no possible way that it could happen. And that's not even from a low self-esteem place. It's a factual thing. There's no way it can happen. I won't go into further detail about why, but I think you get it. I'm completely killing my self over it and it's just stupid because I don't even think he returns the sentiment. All I do is keep telling myself how stupid I am to feel this way. I'm losing sleep, I'm losing focus, my eating habits are all fucked up. I'm just a wreck and this has a lot to do with it and I don't know WHY! He shouldn't have this affect on me.

Next...I wrote an article for a class that stirred up memories and emotions that should have stayed where they were. My childhood is my past and I don't wanna look back at all. Those were horrible, horrible times and it's heartbreaking to know that I allowed myself to be treated in such a way and to remember how weak I was. I barely recognize the child version of myself because I was so weak and I allowed people to hurt me so badly for no other reason except children are cruel by nature. That doesn't really help my emotions.

I don't know how to deal with all of this. Talking about it isn't helping. Half the time I just wanna cry but no tears will escape. I'm not holding back crying because I'm not afraid to cry in the least. I just can't do it. Because I'm such an emotional mess I feel like I can't help people or do what I need to do and that's tearing me up inside because I like to make people happy. As much of a bitch as I can be, I love when the people around me are happy. I feel like I'm bringing people down and I don't want to do that. I'm just so desperately lost and depressed and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know why I'm feeling this way and I don't know why I'm just letting all the petty little stupid shit tear me to pieces. I feel like I'm losing myself. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Writing this didn't really help much...hopefully reading it will.

You make my heart leap into my throat making it so I can't breathe. My stomach does flip flops and I can't help but smile but at the same time I wanna cry because you have no clue of the effect you have on me.

TEN FAVORITES
01. televison show: One Tree Hill
02. flower: roses
03. color: burgundy
04. sport: basketball
05. mall: I never go to the mall anymore...I like Bowie Town Center...
06. music: I'll just say pop because it embodies a lot of different songs and such...in my opinion :-D
07. food: chipotle barbacoa fajita burrito bols....yum!
08. season: spring
09. animal: ocelot
10. city: New York City (that I've been to)...I'd like to be able to compare it to London or something :)


TEN FACTS
01. hometown: Chesapeake Beach, MD
02. hair color: medium brown...I wanna dye it
03. hair length: long...like to my chest
04. hair style: down and tousled...I don't do much to it
05. eye color: hazel...the green side of hazel which excites me
06. shoe size: 9ish
07. mood: sick but content
08. orientation: I like the penis
09. available?: yes, but not really looking
10. lefty/righty: Righty


TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
01. have you ever been in love: I thought I was, but I was wrong
02. do you believe in love: of course, otherwise, what's the point?
03. why did your last relationship fail?: he wasn't ready
04. have you ever been heartbroken: yeah
05. have you ever broken someone's heart: maybe? I dunno
06. have you ever fallen for your best friend: no
07. have you ever loved someone but never told them: yeah
08. are you afraid of commitment: sorta, but only because I haven't found the right person
09. have you ever had a secret admirer: I don't think so...it would be nice though
10. do you believe in love at first sight: no...I believe in attraction at first sight

TEN THINGS: THIS OR THAT
01. love or money: love
02. hard liquor or beer: beer
04. one night stands or relationships: relationships
05. televison or internet: internet
06. pepsi or coke: coke
07. wild night out or romantic night in: both can be fun
08. colored or black and white pictures: colored
09. phone or in person: in person
10. aim or myspace: aim


TEN HAVE YOU EVERS
01. have you ever been caught sneaking out: nah, I don't sneak out
02. have you ever skinny dipped: no, I'm working on it
03. have you ever done something you regret: I don't really regret much because you learn from everything
04. have you ever bungee jumped: eventually
05. have you ever been on a house boat: I don't believe so
06. have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker: yeah...delicious
07. have you ever wanted someone so badly it hurt: everyday
10. have you ever been caught by your parents doing it?: no, but I have by the other person's parents


TEN EMOTIONS
01. are you missing someone right now: always
02. are you happy: happiest I've been in a long time
03. are you talking to anyone right now: Annie just rolled out so no
04. are you bored: I never have time to be bored :-p
05. are you german: a bit
06. are you irish: nope
07. are you french: nope
08. are you Italian: nope (why you leaving out slovaks?)
09. are your parents still married: yes
10. do you like someone right now: always

It makes me incredibly sad to realize how fake people are here at Hood. Yes, everyone needs to act sometimes to make it through the day but when your entire existance is a falsehood? That's just so disappointing. I just hope people are eventually able to realize that you just need to be yourself for you, not anyone else.

On a better note, things may be looking up. BJ's back in my life and I won't lie, it makes me happy. :)

Oh, but I still wanna have sex with Captain America. Delicious. Just plain delicious. ;-)

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.	✓ I don't watch much TV these days.	× I own lots of books.
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.	✓ I love to play video games.	✓ I've tried marijuana.
✓ I've watched porn movies.	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
✓ I curse sometimes.	× I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

( it goes on... )