So I found out the other day that a former friend of mine basically lied to me, more so than I had understood. If you look back at my previous journal entries, there are several about a specific guy that I was interested in. I had an idea that they were interested in each other, but part of me was in denial. Our friendship basically fell apart, not because of us fighting over the guy, but because she was never honest with me about how close they were. After finding out more information about it, I came to a realization...

I've always been second best when it comes to males and relationships and such. My first real relationship in high school... he liked my best friend at the time first. Only when she rejected him did he have any sort of interest in me. Don't get me wrong, we ended up having a fairly lengthy relationship, but he didn't want me until his original choice fell through. Then this whole thing. Now, even the latest guy I was into (I'm slowly moving on), he seems more interested in a few of my friends. Is there a reason that I seem to not even place and not attract anyone's attention? I dunno.

I haven't posted in awhile and I wish I was motivated to write more, but obviously I'm not. So, until next time (in like a year).

WARNING! WARNING! This message will probably be depressing. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything of the sort, I just feel like writing my thoughts out. WARNING! WARNING!

I feel kinda lost right now. And numb, perhaps? I dunno. I miss my old life. It's not a matter of immaturity, at least not in my opinion. It's just... I don't like not knowing what's gonna happen. I don't like not knowing where I'm going to be tomorrow. I mean, yeah, that's everyday, but I just don't like that I'm no longer a student. I'm technically an adult and I need to learn to take care of myself and I'm just not ready for it. Will I ever be? Here's to hoping.

I'm having a hard time staying connected with people, my friends at least. It's not because I don't love them. God knows I do. I just don't feel like someone they'd want to be around because I'm not advancing myself and I'm not happy with what I'm doing. I don't want to bring them or myself down. Yeah, that's sad, that's pathetic, that's immature, that's stupid, but that's life. At least mine. All I want to do is stay with my parents... scratch that, my mom... and just not have to face things. I guess this may be a new form of depression? I guess these are certain symptoms. I don't feel depressed persay. Like, I'm not crying myself to sleep, I'm not necessarily sad. I'm just stuck and don't really have the motivation to get myself out.

I wish I knew what I want. I mean, I guess I do. I want to go into radio. I want to fall in love. I want to be on my own. But I just don't have the motivation to reach for these things. ::Sigh:: I wish I could force myself to care more. When someone tries to help me care more, I just get angry. I don't know.

I guess you can just ignore this. I just figured it would help me sort my thoughts.

I dreamt last night that we were walking and bantering as we always do, but then your hand brushed mine and took hold of it. Then when you were worried of how it looked, you simply moved your arm to my shoulders and pulled me closer, all the while every other action was exactly the same. I don't know what that means, but the more I try to deny it, the more I just want you. I'm not in love with you, I can't do that, but I like you and I do have feelings for you and as time goes by, the more I think you want the same things I do. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm a wishful thinker, but I just want you and want you to admit that you want me back before it's too late and nothing can happen between us or someone else beats you to it. "I know what's best for me, but I want you instead." I know what if given a choice you should never be it, but you would be. I don't know when it happened, but it did.

I'm sitting at work, loading cd's and listening to my iPod until I have to go Board Op the Orioles-Yankees game at 6:30 and that's giving me plenty of time to think. I'm stuck. I'm not at all where I thought I would be at this point in my life. It's different from my senior year of high school. I didn't know where I was going exactly, but I knew what I expected. Now, here I am, 4 years later, and I don't really have any of it. I figured at 22 years old I would be about to get my degree, have a steady relationship to a man that I would become engaged to by 24, a job set up after walking across the stage and some sort of idea who am. Instead, I'm stuck in a limbo of not even knowing if I'll finish college because I'm exhausted and tired of it all when it comes to an education. I've gone on one date throughout my college career and have next to no romantic prospects that were reciprocated. As for a job? Sike. And I realize now that I still have no idea who I am. If I did I wouldn't feel this way, at least I can't imagine that I would. I haven't applied myself the way I should've, I've basically felt that I could coast. I can't do these things anymore. Why am I so terrified to grow up? Why am I not actually comfortable with being by myself? I've just closed in on myself, isolated myself overall, and then at times try to overcompensate and come up short. Am I making any sense? I don't know. I wish I knew what I wanted, but at this point... I feel like anything I want, I can't actually have. I feel the lump in my stomach and throat wanting to explode, but what do tears get me? Nothing. I feel like I'm such a waste right now. I'm trying to put on a happy face and force myself to move forward, but I feel like I have nothing to move towards and what makes it worse is that it's my own fault and my own doing.

Senioritis is a bitch. I don't wanna do anything. I'm sick of paying for what's going to "further" my life. I don't know... I feel like college just makes you more miserable. I mean, yeah, you're getting an education or whatever, but why do you have to PAY to be educated? I think it's ridiculous. I don't know.

I really don't know the reason I decided to post. I'm starting to fall into a small panic. I have a little more than a month until I graduate and while I'm ready to simply graduate, I'm not ready for what comes next. I don't wanna grow up. I'm not ready. I'm not ready at all.

I'm tired of being alone. I hate it. I know I have friends and people that love me, but I don't have that one person that I can call just to vent to and listen to them vent and have them say I love you. Or they can hold me or whatever. It's just hard to be alone. I know I don't need a man to be happy, but I just wouldn't mind one. I don't know.

I'm also so terribly confused. There's this guy here... I don't know how to explain it. Our relationship is completely different from anything I'm used to or anything I've experienced. I mean, I don't even know if I can even call it a relationship. I call it an acquaintance-ship with the possibility of a mutual or one-sided crush. I'm talking in circles I think... I guess I'll start at the beginning.

About a year ago, this guy started working here. We'll call him... Mason. Why I need to give him another name, I don't know. But that's what it's gonna be. I didn't really start associating with him until this year. I mean, I talked to him occasionally, but the getting to know him and talking to him regularly, that was fairly recently. Well, all we seem to do is press each others buttons. Everyone is talking about the fact that we both like each other. I can't say for sure how I feel about him. I mean, I think I'm mostly intrigued. He's completely different from what I'm used to. His personality isn't exactly what I'm generally attracted to. He's very quiet and serious. If you know me, when I'm with my friends, I'm definitely not like that. But opposites attract? I dunno.

Well, we either get along well or just clash hardcore. He gets to me in ways that no one else can, which is crazy since in all honestly, he doesn't know me all that well. Things really went to new heights last night. It's been said by one of his coworkers in particular that Mason likes me. Now, the thing is his opinion is actually a big thing. Last night he was like being pushed at me by his coworkers and things were being said. It just fueled the fire and is really making me think that, yeah, he does like me. And then I talked to his dad. And his dad just told me all this stuff about him like he was attempting to sell him. I feel like I'm being really vague and that's not my intention. I'm just trying to figure it out. He's so hot and cold.

I think, bottom line, I wouldn't mind giving something a shot when the time was right if he would make up his mind. Unfortunately, now is definitely not the right time. I'm completely aware of that. Too many people have lost their jobs for possible connections and I'm not worth losing a job and risking all of that for. I'm not downing myself, it's just a fact. This isn't true love or some storybook romance. This isn't a fairy tale. Maybe eventually, we could be what each other needs, but just not right now. I can't help but wonder though if he even would give it a shot. I don't know if he's scared, doesn't care, isn't interested. I really have no clue. Maybe I'm just blind? Maybe I'm listening to everyone too much? I do want answers, but how do you get them without freaking someone out? How do you get them from someone like Mason? ::Sigh::

Well, that's it for now. Hope to talk to you all again soon.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since, well, I haven't done much else. I realized that I have all the answers I've been looking for from what was left unsaid. Why did I not think about it? Why didn't I accept it sooner? And why is it so hard to let go of something that I never had in the first place? I wasted an entire year wanting so badly to come up with what? A wasted year. A wasted year in the romantic department anyway. I just want to be able to go to sleep without the face of him filling my mind. I don't want to dream about him anymore. I don't want to wish for what I'll never have. I'm just ready to move on. ::Sigh:: I hope I do soon. This misery is getting so old.

Hello, hello. I posted a blog on myspace, but I decided it's been awhile since I posted something here. "It's summertime...and the living's easy..." Ain't that the truth? I do enjoy summer for the simple fact that there are so few worries. No real deadlines, just living the way you'd life. I'm working at the radio station for credits which is slightly stressful only because I'm not sure I'm gonna get the hours I need. Oh well, I still have plenty of time. Other than that, I talked to my old boss at the pharmacy today and we have a meeting tomorrow to discuss a possible schedule. I don't really WANT to go back, but it's so convenient and I need another job desperately. I wish money wasn't so important in this world. Blah.

Emotionally, I'm doing really well. It's unfortunate that something like that is such an "accomplishment", but alas, it is. I'm able to separate myself from the source of most of my anxiety the past year. That source being James. I finally feel comfortable saying his name in this domain. I left it out, not for fear that he might read, but for fear that the wrong person might. If you don't understand why that's a worry, ::shrug:: that's not my issue. I haven't seen him since May 19th. It's probably a good thing. It's unclear whether or not I'll see him again. Needless to say, I think, for my own sanity, it's probably better that I don't. As much as I'd like to, it just wouldn't be in my best interest and I think I can accept that. I can close that chapter in my book. Hopefully, next year, there won't be anything like that to distract me and I can just finish out my last year semi-sane (maybe not always sober though, haha).

The one thing that seems to be carrying over into the summer from the past year is my friendship with Jess. I love Jess. She is truly like my baby sister. She reminds me a lot of who I was. She's farther along than I ever was, but there's still that comfort level that I want to help her find. Unfortunately, ever since we talked towards the end of the semester, I know I've been pushing her away. I don't want to do that to her because I know it's not fair and it's not right. But I can't help it. I still carry around the hurt of the whole situation. I'm trying to fix it but I just don't know how. ::Sigh:: Hopefully it will be figured out.

I think that's enough for now. Love you all! Smooches!!!

Hello friends. It's been awhile. Not much to report. I chopped all my hair off. That's newsworthy, at least in my world. Other than that...not too much. We just finished up Easter break. Who the hell am I kidding? I'm not writing in this to babble about things that don't matter at all to me...

Officer Hoffman said something to Jess and I a couple weeks ago that's really stuck with me since. He basically discussed the fact that if you're constantly looking for the bad in life, you're going to find it. If you keep pushing for the good, however, you may slip up, but you'll still ultimately be happier. I do think he's completely right and I've been trying to do that. Don't get me wrong. I'm still terrified of the future and that I'm going to fail. But I'm trying to stay optimistic and, dare I say it? Happy. It's sort of working in my favor. For the most part, I'm staying pretty high. Some things push me down, of course, but I'm trying not to stay down as long. And I'm trying to cut off the external negative energy, or at least keep it to a minimum.

One thing that's really making these goals difficult, however, if my insane crush that is still very, very much at the forefront of my mind. I just don't know. It's just hard. I like him. I like him more than I want to. People think I'm crazy and just obsessed. I can see it in their faces. It's okay. I don't even understand it myself. It doesn't hurt as much as it did, thank God. Not that I know why it hurt my heart the way it did. I just hate seeing him day after day and knowing that I don't have a shot, if for no other reason, because well...he can't. ::Sigh:: I just think about him ALL the time. I see him and my heart leaps into my throat and I can't help but smile. He says my name and I melt inside. I'm absolutely pathetic. No one wants to read this. I just needed to get it off my chest. I'm gonna go back to my dinner of puff'n corn, cookies, and lemonade. And I wonder why I'm fat. :-p



'The power to change the world is within us all. Once imagined ANYTHING can be realized. The possibilities are endless...EMBRACE imaginary freedom!-TJH

I would've given anything for you to have come after me when I walked out the door.

All I want is to find someone that won't let me push them away because they know I really don't want them to go.

Shit, haven't written since Christmas. Well, here we are in semester number 6. Only two more left and then it's out into the big bad world. Let's not think about that though, shall we? I should really do something useful like my graphics project but I just don't care. I had a nice talk with a guy that like a semester ago I would have never expected to confide in. It made me realize that things are never as bad as they might seem and I'm going to be okay. We talked briefly about my unrequited crush and he basically told me to just stop. Not talk to him, give him the cold shoulder. While I've been thinking this for awhile it truly pushed me forward when he said it to me. I deleted my 'crush' off facebook and myspace and I'm going to force myself to move on. I won't speak unless spoken to or have an RA reason. As for my friend...I know he's gonna be alright. He just needs to get there. But I have faith he will. I have come to the conclusion once again that I just want to save people. I dunno...I would write more but I'm tired so I'm just gonna stare at the computer screen and listen to music hoping I don't fall asleep.